Better Small Talk

Posted on | Edited on | In

Objective:

  1. become better at casual conversation/small talk/short interaction.
  2. build social confidence
  3. keep smiling in facial expression

Chapter 1

The small talk mindset

Prepare for the conversation beforehand, to get ready psychologically, otherwise your thoughts are unorganized, lack of focus and awareness.

Simply like:

1
2
Hello there!
How's your day going? Great to hear, bye!

Do you eat lunch solo? Set beside a coworker and start the conversation by asking recent company/team events.

Daily short interactions with people:

  • cashier at checkout counter
  • shuttle driver
  • waiter
  • valet/ˈvælɪt/
  • doormen

They need to be courteous/ˈkɜːrtiəs/ to you, so don’t be fear of crashing and burning.

Make it a goal to initiate and create a 10 seconds interaction with a stranger each day, and especially on the way to functions, events and parties, this will warm you up for conversation and build the habit of being interested in people.

A childlike exercise

Read out loud physically, to help your speaking muscles and get them in shape.

You can have short excerpt to stretch your emotion, express them with high and low points. Pay attention to the tonality, the rate of speech, for big point you need to slow the pace.

Your conversation resume

Developing and constantly updating your conversation resume can save you from awkward silence and make it nearly effortless to connect to others.

When someone ask you a question, you don’t need to answer it literally and instead can redirect them to sth else you’ve prepared on your resume.

Practice the resume before you go to socailly intense situations.

Converstaional stages

Getting to know someone happens in a sequential manner, we cannot skip steps if we want to go deepers:

  1. small talk
  2. fact disclosure (share details of your life)
  3. opinion disclosure (common ground to share viewpoint and opinions)
  4. emotion disclosure (be cautious be the intimacy level)

Chapter 2

For new people, first remain reserved so you can calibrate your interactions, read your new acquaintance, and determine how familiar or relaxed you can be.

You are making impression on everyone you meet, send a signal of comfort and familiarity

Set the tone

Remeber not to be so literal and serious, be playful, relaxing attitude is right.

Make the first move

Don’t think you are interrupting people, come up with a compelling reason to interrupt people or walk up to a stranger, that would override your fear of judgment.

  1. Ask people for objective/subjective info.

Switch the perspective to “I don’t feel condifent or comfortable” more than an “I don’t know what to say”. It does not matter that the people you are asking know the answer, it is just a way to begin a dialogue, it does not even matter you don’t know the answer.

  • do you know what time the speech begin?
  • do you know where the closest starbucks is?

  1. comment on sth in the environment, context, or specific situation.

  2. comment on a commonality you both share.

  • why do you know here?
  • how do you know jack?

Find similarity

Find similarity by:

  1. mirroring the behavior: gesture, tone, words, etc
  2. share a heathy amount of info, enrich the details.

Manufacture connection

For people that are less talktive, not good at opening up themselves, you can use elicitation/i,lisi’teiʃən/ tech to ask question indirectly and guide their response.

  1. Recognition: your sweater is nice!
  2. Complaining, people love mutual dislike or they defend your point
  3. Correction, people love to be right and correct you
  4. Naive, but not mean to act stupid

Or:

  1. ask a question that your think may be answered, act as if they answered it and react to that hypothetical answer.

Chapter 3 How to be captivating

How to use storytelling in your everyday and small talk: talk about the past in a way that makes people pay attention.

Instead of give one-word answer, get into habit of framing your answers as a story with a high point.

Bring people’s curiosity, you can have compelling anecdotes/ˈænɪkdoʊt/ at hand in response to very common and widespread questions.

1:1:1 method for mini story

  1. has one action.
  2. can be summed up in one sentence.
  3. evokes one primary emotion in the listener.

Chapter 4 Keep it flowing and smooth

Keep small talk anything but small.

How can you think more quickly on your feet? This requires practice: by simply taking a word and naming a few words or concepts that it reminds you of, to train your brain’s quick response.

Acronyms to help assit you in never running out of things to say on the fly:

  • HPM: history(your personal experience), philosophy(your opinion on the topic), Metaphor(what the topic makes you think of)
  • SBR: specific(more detail on the topcic), board(broader context of topic), related(related topics)
  • EDR: emotion(emotion the topic evokes in the other person), detail(on topic), restatements(restarting the topic to prompt greater elaboration)

Chapter 5 Go Deeper, Be Better

let people guard down and build an actual relationship:

  1. positive compliment on people’s conscious choice that reflect their thinking process.
  2. Listening, having a listening mindset, if they said sth, there is a reason.
  3. better questions: ask open-ended questions, follow-up questions.

Get comfortable with dead air and utilize it.

Chapter 6 Looking Inwards

Looking inward to yourself, are you someone who is easy to make small talk with?

If not, take action and build yourself, find passions and hobbies, proactively learn about what you are interested in.

0%